“I have so few friends around because I can’t connect to many. They are all so over superficial small talks and I always intend to have deeper conversations, even if that’s with a handful of people.”
“Whenever I try saying deeper things, people can’t bite. They can’t comprehend all that I intend to say, and they revive the fluffy talks which don’t interest me at all.”
While I was giving a talk at a retreat on interpersonal relations, this was a very subtle yet less talked about topic I touched upon. I was overwhelmed to see the immense response I received. Above are two excerpts of confessions from two of the participants which triggered me to write out this blog for you.
Well, if this is your situation, the issue is not with you. You are an intellectual with a cerebral personality. For such people, quality talks over quantity make more sense. Such people usually have a lesser number of friends and that’s solely because you can connect to very few people who want to have meaningful conversations.
Now what do we mean by deep conversations? It’s difficult to substantiate that. Such conversations feel mentally stimulating and intriguing; filling your thoughts in an enriching manner.
How do you understand if it’s a deep conversation
Let’s say, when we talk about our past bad experiences while you learn things about your own self. While you discover such experiences, you talk about how they actually made you stronger and shaped you in the way you are. Instead of taking them to heart, you realise that they happened for your good.
Another instance can be while you share with your friends the challenges you went through in the past. If you are not a deep thinker or speaker, you might just tend to see it on a superficial level. But when you go deep into understanding all such experiences, you realise that everything is connected and happened for a reason. All those challenges made you who you are today.
Coming to your profession, if you talk deeply, you might understand that working is not just about sustaining yourself. It’s not just about earning a living. Life is way more than just survival. It’s about living life every moment, being true to yourself and justifying your existence to every extent.
- Understanding your true-life goals
- Looking at the bigger picture of life
- Seeing beyond what is apparent
- Understanding the relations
- Approach towards a challenge in life
- Understanding the institution of marriage beyond the cliché concept and a lot more such examples call for a deep conversation.
What makes a conversation deep?
When you engage in deep conversation, you realise it to be intense and intellectual. But when you can’t connect to the opposite person at such a level, then it can get really bothersome for you to just interact with someone on the surface. This will mean you will have to repress your natural self and if you are a deep thinker, you really can’t do that.
Meaningful talks can happen with a taxi driver, a security guard, a tea seller, a passer-by, a stranger inside a lift, at hairdressers or at a dentist’s. We say that a conversation is deep when there is learning at the end of the conversation where you get engaged in the topic. If there is no learning about your own self, about the other person or about the world, it’s ideally a small talk. This is what Matthias Mehl thinks, who is a leading psychologist at the University of Arizona and studies conversations.
Ways to have a meaningful conversation
So here are ways to side park the frustration of small talk and hone your thoughts and intellect further with meaningful intense talks.
1.Be a listener first
It’s very important to understand the opposite person before even striking a deep conversation. The other person might not be interested in such a deep level of talk and be more carried away with lighter superficial conversations. How to understand that? Be a listener first. See the pulse of the person and read his thoughts to be able to perceive if he is worth a deep conversation.
2.Connect to only those you can
There's no point in connecting to a lot of people for deeper conversations. When the talks are intense and deep, keep the circle condensed. It’s important to be able to connect to a person to be able to strike intense mind-boggling conversation. Hence finding like minded people is the most important aspect because sadly enough, not many people enjoy deep talks.
3.Start with small talks
Instead of jumping into deeper talks, start with fluffy ones first. It’s like a warmup where it gives the other person time to comprehend and express. Make the transition from small talks to deeper ones only when you get the hint about the other person being interested.
4. Talk about something that interests you
This is very important! Bring up a topic that is of interest to you first. If you detest political discussion, then the conversation can’t go deep if you jump into such a topic. If you want to talk about life goals, make that point as the central theme of conversation.
5. Start with passing references
If you wish to talk about social media, draw references first to make the discussion engaging and interesting to the other people. If you feel talking about the weather, say something like “I feel every season is so important to us to help us build a strong immune system and get accustomed to various climatic conditions. Variation is important for life. Just like we are part of nature, so are the seasons. What do you think?” If the response is positive, delve deeper, else drop it right there.
What do you feel about the aforementioned? Just like the two participants who spoke up about how they feel about having deep conversations with others, if you have experiences of yourself, then do write to us. While we arrange for the next retreat session on such a deep area of life, you can be a part of that as well and end up with a guest participant to speak up about your views.
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